Just for Laughs

He asked me, “so, where do you stay?” and before I could give an answer, he quickly said “Well, I stay in ‘Fictoria Gardening City”, squaring his shoulders like a proud 8 year old.

I thought I didn’t hear well.

And oh! How that brought out my igbo swag

My eyes nearly popped out.  I thought ‘Ewo! I haf heard another one today o’

I replied “Fictoria gini? (Fictoria what?!)

Feeling very proud of himself and thinking ‘oh! She doesn’t even know’

He said emphatically – “FICTORIA GARDENING CITY”

Honestly, I tried hard to hold back the laughter

After I succeeded…

Then I was ready to say where I stay

I looked at him and said to him with sarcasm,

“Dude, if you live on Fictoria Gardening City, then I live on the hanging gardens of Babylon”

“Where’s that?” He asked quickly

“Well”, I replied. *naughty mode on*. “It is very close to Mushin”

“oh oh…” He exclaimed…

“Hmm…” I replied.

Msheww

#Yeye

E.T.C

One day, on my way out, I saw the signboard of a boutique that stated:

XYZ boutique

Perfumes. Mary Kay. Black opal. Make up. Wears  and E.T.C.

I was like;

‘What’s ‘Mary Kay? What’s Make up?

So, I decided to go in and check…

I thought about playing a prank on the sales attendant (as I kukuma no get work that day)

I strutted into the boutique like the queen that I am

My hands bent like that of those plastic girls

Batting my eyelids and forming Kardashian

I tried to form a British accent and went like:

“Urm I mean like do you have e.t.c”

The  I shan’t gree female shop attendant girl looked confused

She obviously had no idea what e.t.c meant

She frantically looked around the shop,  scratched her head, faced me and said:

“erm madam, we don’t have etc oooo but we will haf new things next week.  My madam will bring new things from London”

‘Oook ...’ I said with my eyes almost popping out of my face

I quietly walked away thinking ‘Araoko’ (bush girl).  Ko ti e le(she is not cool), with all her color blocking’.

Just for Laughs

Feeling satisfied. ‘That was a great meal’ I thought

With my protruded stomach, I was looking out of proportion. So I sucked it in * always works!*

I thought, “It is only God that can deliver me from Amala and Calabar food” (lolz)

I do this very Wednesday (after work, before church service) – I have Badht Calabar food (fufu + edikaikong) made by Calabar people.

I wonder how I’m able to worship- with all that in my tummy.

I feel so heavy that during praise and worship,

I sway… looking morose and speechless

And people around me will think I’m in the spirit o-

For where?

Little do they know that I’m under the influence of correct ‘solid’ African food

I proceeded to wash my hands

I took the morning fresh bottle and squeezed the green stuff on my palm

But it doesn’t feel like morning fresh ke

Inquisitive me pulled my hands close to my nose and dalmn

It was melted green ‘ose kongi’ (local green soap)

Can you imagine? After all we pay here for a plate of food, they still can’t buy ordinary morning fresh

Some Nigerians sa…*snaps fingers* Hia!